Recently I had a mishap outside my house. I will say that at times I display a special talent for tripping over nothing, but this time I tripped over some uneven concrete. I stubbed and broke my right big toe, half twisted my right ankle, crashed onto my right knee and badly twisted my left ankle. Yes, when I do something, I like to do it properly.

I had only popped out to grab something from the car. Barefoot. No phone.

As I sat on the ground, repeating the words ‘oh shit, oh shit, oh shit’ over and over I realised that I could be in serious trouble. Adrenaline kicked in and I got up, hobbled into the house and made it to the freezer where I grabbed every available ice pack. I then hobbled to the couch, grabbing my phone on the way, elevated my feet and packed myself in ice from the knee down. I was pretty sure I hadn’t broken the ankles, although they were swelling nicely, as was the toe. Therefore, the only thing to do was to keep icing everything, keep it elevated and wait.

To cut the story short the ankles were not broken (yay) but the toe was. However, I could not put any weight at all on either foot. This meant that I couldn’t hobble, I couldn’t use crutches and I live in a place where I couldn’t use a wheel chair so basically, I was stuck in bed. Fortunately, my husband was able to stay home for three days because he had to carry me everywhere. By day four I could walk to the bathroom with some assistance, by day seven I could shuffle to the kitchen and get a drink and stand to clean my teeth. Two weeks in and I was still relying on my husband and friends for everything, I was still showering sitting on a plastic chair (sexy) and unable to stand or walk for any length of time.

Something like this gives you a lot of time to think about what is important, and my independence was top of this list. We take it for granted, don’t we? The fact we can do things for ourselves without help. When suddenly you can’t, it’s a big shock. We often think that our loss of freedom will come with advanced age. I have always been confident that I will still be living independently at 98 because almost all my family do. We have good genes and I eat well, I exercise, I work my mind as well as my body but mostly because this is my plan. I plan to be a feisty, self-sufficient, outrageous and possibly scandalous old lady. In no way does this plan include walking aids, shower aids and having my butt wiped.

But the truth is we don’t know what will happen do we? We don’t know if we got the good genes or if all that exercise and getting extra sleep and limiting alcohol and chocolate and cake will mean that we will be a nimble 90-year-old. Perhaps it will. We know it makes us feel better now but what about the years to come? Everyone knows that one person who is the exception. They do everything ‘wrong’ and drop dead at 100 with a cigarette in one hand and a gin and tonic in the other whilst dancing the night away with the hip and younger crowd at the local octogenarian disco.

We all hope that we will live a fit and long life and never need to rely on aged care or family and that any problems we may have will be minor and easily fixed. But what if a mishap derails all our carefully made plans? Well, my little mishap has demonstrated that the answer to that question is it’s scary and it sucks big time. Don’t get me wrong, I was very lucky, mostly because I apparently have very strong, healthy bones which is great because they need to be a match for my occasional clumsiness.

Ultimately though I have learned some valuable lessons.

1. It’s ok to ask for help

2. It’s ok to let people help you

3. Appreciate everything your body can and does do for you and thank it every day

and

4. Sometimes you just have to chuck it in the f**k it bucket and eat the damn chocolate because you never know.

Until next time remember “Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can”.

eat the damn chocolate.
click here for a easy, decadEnt chocolate recipe

See you on Instagram

@miss_griggsy #declareyourself

©Clare Griggs 2019

Apparently, I am considered a MILF. I find this both amusing and disturbing.

According to my friend’s (now grown up) son, I was considered a MILF by his friends, way back when they were teenagers. As I am like an aunty to him, he found this both amusing and disturbing.

The main reason I find this so funny is that there is a general feeling that an older woman is full of experience and therefore she will want to teach her toy boy everything she knows. Sorry, but it’s a no from me.

Firstly, I am a woman with a family, a job, a dog, a business, and a house I clean myself. I’m trying to get enough exercise, eat well, write, keep up with my social media, find a comfortable bra, have at least 4 hours uninterrupted sleep a night and finally discover what the bottom of the laundry basket looks like when it’s empty since I haven’t seen it since 2004. I do not have the time, energy or inclination to teach you anything. I need someone that is so good, that rocks my world so much, they can actually keep me awake.

Ladies I know you get what I’m saying here. Isn’t having to teach him what to do just another thing you will need to add to your already long ‘to do’ list? I have no problem in showing you how to make me happy, but I don’t want someone with a leaners permit. I’m not running an apprenticeship program.

Here is the second thing that makes this so mystifying for me. I’ve been married for nearly 22 years. Yes, I had quite a lot of fun before we got together but that was a long time ago. So, this vast experience I should have probably isn’t as extensive as the MILF fans believe. In real life, I haven’t handled a penis other than my partners, or even been up close and personal with one, since the stripper at my hen night waved his very substantial family jewels in my face while dancing to Billy Idol’s ‘Rebel Yell”.

Given how things progress so quickly in the modern world and the amount of free porn out there I can’t help but wonder, have things changed? Did I miss out on the updates because I am unsubscribed from the list?

I recently discussed this over several glasses of wine with married friends and we decided we should do our own research because it’s important to stay informed. So, a few months ago we held our own ‘Porn & Prawn” night, invited our single friends of all ages and began our research. The wine flowed, we searched the internet, we watched movies and we shared stories. After several bottles we signed onto a live website, where the very pleasant young lady was surprised but more than happy to answer our questions. It was a very educational evening.

If you, like me, have been wondering about a possible drop in your level of expertise after years of playing tennis with the same partner, I am happy to say don’t worry. It doesn’t matter whose racket you choose, which court you play on or how many players in the game, the fact is the more things change, the more they stay the same. Oh, and in case you are wondering what we learned from our live website tutorial about what men really want from this fantasy idea of a MILF, our new friend summed it up in just one word. Naked.

Until next time remember “Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can”.

See you on Instagram

@miss_griggsy #declareyourself

©Clare Griggs 2019